If you are here because you don’t understand why you keep fighting with your significant other, I want you to know that you aren’t alone. AND I want you to know that your relationship isn’t doomed. Quite the opposite, actually.
About a month and a half ago, my boyfriend and I started to have these awful fights. It wasn’t us. I didn’t understand what had happened. I came home from college and that was when the fights started. It felt like the same fight every time. You might wonder, “Why wouldn’t you just break up?” Well, we couldn’t. Losing him would be losing part of myself, and he felt the same.
Fast forward to a week ago. EVERYTHING CHANGED. WE were back. I had my Joshua back. Since then, we have been so lovey dovey. Like I text him so many times just to say I love him and miss him so freaking much. When we were fighting, I had no energy. Now, I feel so energetic and happy!
During those weeks of on and off fights, I read so many articles on what to do or how to fix things. Nothing fit my situation. Yeah, we were fighting a lot. But the difference was that after we fought for a couple hours, we would end up looking at each other and apologizing. We would hug, kiss, and just not let go. We both hated the fights because they felt so wrong. Every article I read only talked about couples that didn’t even end the night with that small bit of love and affection.
Soooo…how did we stop the fights for good? The biggest part was doing what Josh wanted. I had sent him many articles on how to get out of a fighting rut. He decided that he wanted “space.” Okay, yeah this was the hardest thing I’ve ever heard. Josh and I have always been a very attached couple and I never thought I’d hear that. That night was so depressing and I felt so alone. I just wanted to talk to him or hear his voice.
The next morning, he didn’t wake up until about 11 because he didn’t have work and I was so angry for the hours before he woke up. I didn’t text him, though, because I refused to go against what he wanted. By the time he DID wake up, my anger had simmered down to simply missing him and wanting my best friend back.
He texted me once he woke up (space isn’t the right word for it) and told me how we were going to get together that night to talk everything out. And that is exactly what we did. He didn’t really want space, he just didn’t want to take anymore stress out on me. He had had a bad day at work and there were other things going on in his life and he decided to go unplugged for a few hours to just blow off steam. This consisted of him going to the track and running.
Once he explained everything, all of the tension lifted. We just talked. He told me things that had been happening that he was previously too scared to tell me. No, it was nothing bad. Guys just like to figure things out on their own (which is exactly what I read in one of the articles). I figured this out first hand.
Josh wanted to spare my feelings that night. I wouldn’t even call it space, because we went MAYBE 3 hours without talking that night. It was hard for both of us, but it was needed. Ever since that night, we have been completely open about everything and have done much better at handling our emotions.
I never wanted to break up with Josh. Him and I have a very special connection that I would never let go. We’ve been through a lot together: family death, depression, Josh got into a car crash, I went away for college, friend loss, and I know there is more. We’ve been there for each other through EVERYTHING and I couldn’t imagine having anyone else by my side through it all.
One of the largest part that aided in our reconnection was prayer. We both realized we had strayed away from God and needed to get Him back into our relationship. I’ve noticed a huge difference in our relationship since we renewed our relationship with God.
If you are in a fighting rut, I hope this helped at least a little. You have to look at the good in the relationship. If the bad outweighs the good, you may have to rethink the relationship, but breaking up is extreme. Maybe take a day together to just reconnect. There are times when Josh and I feel disconnected, but we always find a way to get that connection back.
Ideas for getting out of a fighting rut:
- Go unplugged for a bit to just simmer down.
- Talk openly, with each person saying how they feel.
- Pray for each other AND your relationship.
Those are three things that helped Josh and I. I guess you could say that we are back in the honeymoon stage of our dating relationship (and we are almost up to 3 years!!), which we have yet to leave! I wouldn’t change it for anything!
Have any of you ever encountered a fighting rut with the one you love? How did you get out of it?